Monday, November 13, 2017

Teach a child to fish, and he or she will wander around the shores of the lake all day.

Teachers are a fun bunch.  We're either the most maniacally optimistic people you've ever met, or we're bitterly, BITTERLY sarcastic.  I didn't have anyone in mind when I talked about being bitter.

Regardless, I get to teach a bunch of teachers how to go through their students' writing and score it quickly so they can get an idea of whether or not the kids meet the district benchmarks.  It promises to be lots of fun, and I get paid extra, so I hope everyone comes pumped, ready to work and ready to get smashed after it's all over.  I know I'll want to.

I decided to start with a bit of levity, so I thought I'd give them these examples, because the work can only improve from here, right?  RIGHT???

They are not going to be irrisponsibl forever they are going to deal with life time problems.

Such like in high school you have to get to class on time but if you don’t you’ll just be marked tarty.

I agree on the fact of everyone has a right to education but I don’t agree on explosion of students.

Everyone can be changed no one is perfect.

Students are more mature and know far more knowledge than anyone.

Why should I have to sign a contract if I know I’m not going to follow it?

Students who act in erotic behavior distract other students around them which prevents them from learning.

Of course schools would have to have some strict codes to prevent more serious issues like, rape, murder, etc.

High school in a sense is like hell.

The code of conduct ensures that all students should be dressed basic but distinctive.


Persons that don’t go to school usually go to prison or death.

I think we can all agree that last statement is incredibly profound.  Keep kids in school at all costs - that's my opinion. 

Monday, November 6, 2017

Tis the season!

So, it's college application season, and boy am I swamped.

I still tutor occasionally, and now I'm frequently getting panicked texts and phone calls from high school seniors and parents who see a looming deadline and realize that what Skyler or Trent wrote is complete crap and will most  likely lead to ridicule, not an acceptance letter.

Because I don't want my time wasted, and because I really can't spend three hours with your senior, rewriting what should have been written and edited a month ago, I'm jacking my prices way up.  WAY up.  You call me last minute to fix something that has to go out tonight?  Then you'll pay dearly for it.  That's the American way.

You know what's weird?  Not a single parent has argued with me about it.  Students have, but who cares what they think?  To be honest, if I were the parent and found that out last minute, I'd pay through the nose to get it written so little Amy can get accepted somewhere and leave the house and eventually be someone else's problem.  At least that's what I think is going on. 

It is funny when the student seems outraged.  One of them actually asked me why I was trying to profit from their misfortune.  I said, "You mean your procrastination and your idiocy?  You could have called me weeks ago.  Now you think I should give up my time and drop everything to help you out of the goodness of my heart?"  She actually said yes.  I told her she was lucky I like her mother so much.

So parents, a word of advice: Start looking at those essays in September.  Early decision deadline is November 1st.  For your sanity, you can't wait to see if Chad comes up with something brilliant by the last week of October.  If you do, I'll probably be seeing you, with a tired but mean smile on my face, irritation in my heart for your dumb kid, and my hand out.